51 ways to annoy Commadore James Norrington
by Twister the Dragon
Summary: The title IS the summary
1. Chapter 1

51 WAYS TO PISS OFF COMMODORE JAMES NORRINGTON

Disclaimer - I do not own anything you recognise

Livi and Lano were sitting on top of one of the cannons at the fort in Port Royal. They were watching Commadore James Norrington Patrolling below them.

"He takes himself so seriously" Lano commented. Livi smirked.

"You know what would really annoy him? If we went down there and told him that Captain Jack Sparrow is the best pirate we have ever seen."

Lano began to think - which was very dangerous, given what usually went on in her mind. "Look, we have nothing to do. Why don't we compile a list. Fifty things that we _could _do in order to annoy Norry."

Livi accepted the offer and began to think. "We could:

Steal his hat

Swing a sword round and cry 'I'm just trying to be like you'

Ask him to teach us to tango

Ask to play 'Pirate and the Navy'. Tell him he can be Jack Sparrow

walk up to him and comment calmly: 'isn't it a shame the intercepter got blown up?'"

"Yeah we could" Said Lano "but those are all a bit tame. If I wanted to annoy him I'd sing 'in the Navy' all the time and I mean _all the time_"

"We could ask him if he's going to be the best man at Will's wedding or sing that song. You know: 'every party has a pooper that's why we invited you sir, James Norrington; party pooper'"

"Ask if his teeth are as white as his wig or ask why he wears tights, especially in this heat."

"Maybe he thinks it makes him look more masculine" Livi suggested. "How do you think he's react if we enquired as to why he has a broom wedged up his arse. Actually, we could just push him off the end of a peer - that would annoy anyone"

"Yeah. Ok I have a few:

Ask him why he doesn't have a cool monkey called Gillette

Sell 'I love Captain Jack Sparrow' badges and T-shirts at his next promotion ceremony

say: "I think you made a very wise choice sir. After all Gillette is the best a man can get!"

Shout ' Gillette fetch some irons' ALL the time

At his next promotion ceremony sing 'A commodore's life for me'

Throw him a pirate theme birthday party.

.Send Jack love letters in his name

Offer to give him advice on how to woo the men, say you think he needs it.

Ask if the Dauntless is so big because he is so small

Put his white shirt in the wash with Jack's bandana"

"Dye his wig pink" Livi injected

"put on a puppet show about his life and call it Norrington: the pirate erradicator

Fill his room with marshmallows"

"You are obsessed with marshmallows" said Lano

"Only a little. It's because I hate them so much. Anyway:

Ask why he wasn't brave enough to jump in after Elizabeth

Pinch his cheek and squeal about how cute he looks in his uniform - all grown up!

Introduce him to Sparrington

Ask him why he doesn't wear pink - it really suits him

Tell him to chill out - frequently

Ask him to tell you all about his plans to capture Jack, then criticize them.

Tell him all the reasons the Pearl is better than the Dauntless.

Tell him he'd make a damn good pirate

Ask him if he is a virgin

'When did you first realize you were gay?'

Tell him he is holding his sword all wrong

Cough over him when he is trying to give out orders"

"Oh i do that anyway" Lano scorned.

"Ok then:

'HAHAHAHAHAH YOU TRUSTED JACK SPARROW HAHAHA'

Rip the buttons off his jacket.

'Do you wear thongs sir?'

"I bet he does:

Knit him a navy jumper with the letter N on it

Put bird seed on the top of his hat, sit down and watch - we could do that right now

Slip laxatives into his food on long journies

Repeat every order he shouts - EVERY order

Send Elizabeth and Will a 'best couple ever' mug from him

Each morning in front of the navy, give him a couple of notes, wink and tell him he was fantastic

Ask him why he hasn't got a lightsaber"

"Maybe he doesn't want want." Said Livi seriously before lauching into her own list:

Call him Jamesy -Wamesy all the time

Apply kohl why he sleeps - I wonder what that would look like?

Make wanted posters off him dressed in pirate garb and post them around port Royal

I'm all out what about you?"

"Yeah and it's getting dark, I'll see you tomorrow"

Livi continued watching the Commadore and sniggered. Maybe some of those ideas could actually be used...


	2. Chapter 2

Another 51 ways to piss off Commodore James Norrington

Livi burst into Lano's room the next morning and threw a few sheets of paper onto her bed.

"Whats this?" enquired Lano, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

"A hundred and two ways to annoy James. I added a further fifty one last night. It's those ones."

Lano picked up the top sheets and skimmed over them, reading aloud and trying not to giggle.

"Spike his hair up, use superglue, over night so he can't fit his hat and wig on in the morning

2.Film him while he works and frequently stop him 'No no no, you're doing it all wrong. How on EARTH do you expect to be a big Hollywood star like this?'

3.Grab his hat, grab a friend, play 'Norry-in-the-middle'

4.Train a flock of parrots to fly at him every day, at exactly 4 minutes past 11

5. Ask 'what's the time Mr. wolf?' In a really slutty voice

6. Obvious, but place a woopie cushion on his chair at an important dinner party, people back then would not have ANY idea what one is so he wouldn't be able to explain really.

7. Get him totally wasted, keep the rest of the navy sober, film it and play it to him a few days later to explain why they laugh at him when they see him.

8. Knock him out and dress him up as a hula girl

9. Pierce his ears with little heart earrings.

10. Hell, if you feel the urge piece any other part of his body.

11. Get him the Jack Sparrow tattoo.

12. Give him the 'pirate' brand

13. Sneak up on him, blind fold him, tie his hands up, turn him round a few times, run off.

14. On his pirate theme birthday party pay Gillette to jump out of a huge cake dressed as a whore and sing happy birthday to him while stripping.

15. If you can, get Jack to as well (for notes on how please ask in a review . Trust me it can be done)

16. Again when he's passed out (work out how to do it yourself) dress him up as an 80s punk rocker, leather and stuff - If you know who Jareth is DO THAT. speaking of Jareth would anyone like a 51 ways to piss off the king of the goblins?

17.WELCOME TO THE DAUNTLESS, WE GOT FUN AND GAMES! WE GOT EVEYTHING YOU WANT HONEY WE KNOW YOUR NAME!

18.'oooooooh sir, you are sooooooo Norry-licious

19. Get him a pet monkey

20. Let all the pirates free from the jail. Tell Governor Swann he did it

21.yell CANNON FIRE and get everyone in the navy to duck at some point everyday.

22. Put his wig in deadlocks

23. Remove all the buttons from his uniform

24. Be incredibly nice to him all the time

25. Pat him soothingly on the head 'you need to stop being so stressed sir'

26. 'how come you live here but you don't get a tan?'

27. Hug him at every chance you get.

28. Kiss him at every chance you get.

29. 'don't you find it a bit odd that Elizabeth has aged 8 years and you haven't ?'

30. Tell him he looks like a mardigra float

31. Throw marshmallows at him.

32. Spread rumours about his relationship with Jack Sparrow around the navy 'oh yeah, why do you think he let him have a head start?'

33. Make 'Norry-tastic' badges, wear them at all times all over you

34. Waltz into his office drunk off your arse

35. Find his diary, read it, photocopy it, hand it out to everyone

36. Sniff him, act like he's made you high

37. Inhale helium, THEN repeat everything he says

38. Turn him into a chav.

39. Trip him up all the time

40. Kidnap Gillette and demand that he kisses Jack in order to get him back

41. Buy him a pet Sparrow

42. Cut a hole in the top of his hat

43. Cover the Dauntless in Tinsel for Christmas "Well they're no snow so you have to TRY and be a bit festive!"

44. Cut up the Mast for fire wood ' If you'd have been there to warm me up, sir, this would not have happened'.

45. Breed butterflies in his cabin

46. Walk around the Dauntless with bare feet an complain loudly about splinters 'You wouldn't get these on the Pearl'

47. Strip off and run round shouting I LOVE JAMIE

48. Bring a flock of sheep on deck, tell him they will improve the economy.

49.Wax his legs while he is passed out. 'Oooooh sir, I knew Gillette was good but that's amazing!'

50. Change the flag of the Dauntless so when it goes up it is pink and says 'proud to be gay'.

51. Call him Nockadore Commington as often as possible"

Lano stopped to laugh but Livi was scanning over her list.

"He needs to be passed out for a lot of these."

"We should actually carry some out you know" Said Lano getting up. "This place needs livening up a bit since Jack left."


End file.
